Just another Hippodoodle Day at Sainsburys

God I love my job, not really I’m being sarcastic. You can’t blame me though when you’ve been a news reporter who has been reporting the most pleasantly annoying people as long as I have and what a jackpot I hit today, havoc in Sainsburys, ooo how scandalous.

“This is madness I tell you, madness!” a hippo…yes seriously a talking hippo just came out of Sainsburys. Great, time to go and pretend to give a damn about ‘public opinion’.

“Miss, miss may I have a word?” I approached the monstrosity that could bulldoze me any second now.

“And what do you want?!” A charming first impression that managed to tame itself immediately when her eyes set on the camera that was meant to capture anything remotely interesting. She started to comb her head to look more presentable, I don’t know why because she’s a hippo, hippos don’t have any hair to comb out.

“I’m sorry to take up your time but I was hoping to interview you about the incident in Sainsburys.”

“Well, I’m a busy lady but I’m sure I can make some time,” liar, she probably had all the time in the world, heck most would if it wasn’t for the media that is us, my my, what we have done to this earth.

I signalled my partner to get the camera rolling and went on to play the concerned citizen who must report, “Good Evening, this is Javaira Farrukh, but you can familiarise me as Jay because your pronunciation of my name probably sucks and I am near the local Sainsburys store in Huddersfield where a conflict has risen. The community was outraged by Sainsburys when a new policy to cut down on nectar points was declared, prompting the citizens to arrange a campaign against this the very next day”, instead of just changing stores like a sane human would, that part I kept to myself. “We have a local citizen with us today to tell us the reason behind it becoming such a chaotic event.”

“Yes ahem yes it is very mean of them to be doing this, we are working class citizens who have simple pleasures in life, it is not fair for them to give us something and then take it away whenever they so please.”

“Very true but could you not have just changed the store you would shop in with more affordable prices.”

“Actually, I was once an Asda shopper until they decided that ‘every little helps’ should become ‘spend more, its better’.”

“I see, but why go to such extreme lengths to make your point, I have had reports of quite a bit of violence in the store in regards to this.”

“Sir…,” I’m a girl though, “I can assure you that our protest has been nothing more than peaceful.”

While this lady blabbers lies and nonsense let’s take a look at what my trusted camera guy recorded an hour ago.

-Inside Sainsburys-

Chaos…chaos was an understatement as the protesters protested in the most unique way I have ever seen before and the employees trying to serve customers while protecting themselves at the same time. It was like the invasion of a tribe, a tribe of angry females. They unleashed their wrath on the poor minimum waged employees, like wrestler out of WWE. Grapple holds, heads being dunked into freezers, a little old lady trying to run one employee over using her mobility scooter, it was a whole world of craziness. The most amusing one would be the two teens who decided to take selfies in the chaos. Ofcourse, lady hippo was also there headbutting and finishing her opponent with an elbow slam.

Yep, all very peaceful.

-Back to the present-

“I see, well thank you so much for letting me interview you today.”

“My pleasure, I hope you shot my good side hahahahaha,” a very annoying laugh which I could most certainly not get used to. “Come on Lippo time to go home,” she grabbed a hold of her pet but stopped and looked but in shock just as quickly. “What the hippo!?”

“Is something the matter?” I asked. She looked away from her pet and said to me the oddest thing, “This is not my son!”

“Uhhhh…,” Can you blame me, I don’t know what to say to that.

“My baby! Where is my baby?!” She screamed while the adorable dog stared at her with its tongue hanging out, aww I wouldn’t mind adopting it if it didn’t require food or pooed.

Just then an aged man passed through my line of sight holding onto a tiny hand of a little hippo who obediently followed the man, he stopped in his tracks and looked our way. The adorable dog looked to the aged man as did he as though having a heart felt telepathic goodbye.

Labradoodle: Master

Old man: No pet, I am no longer your master.

Labradoodle: You will always be my master.

Old man: Finally, you have found a home, take care of your new owner.

Labradoodle: Yes master, although she seems very scary.

Old man: With time you will get used to it. You will no longer be known as my demonic invention, you will not be known as a blasphemic cross breed of a Labrador and Poodle, you will be known as a dog.

Labradoodle: Yes master but what do you plan to do with the baby hippo.

Old man: It is time I invented a hippodoodle.

Wow either I have one hell of an imagination or I just cross wired into a very weird conversation. Just as the stare between the two ended the man casually diverted his eyes to mine, swiftly picking up a mop and breaking the stick he nonchalantly let the new grey wig drop onto the baby hippo’s head and walked away with the child in tow.

Now I could have stopped it and returned the child to its mother but that is not my job, after all, I am just a reporter.